Eight deadly assassins of simple living
No One Likes Him | Photo by Vek
Living in the Wild West, you can never be too sure about who’s lurking behind the next corner.
There’s always some shady character — an assassin — following you, tracking you and just waiting to make you their next victim.
Luckily their first few shots aren’t deadly — but once they get that first shot in, they’ve got you where they want you. You’re wounded, you’re forced to slow down. A few more shots and they knock you to the ground. If you don’t rebound quickly enough they’ll move in for their final shots — the kill shots.
But you can be prepared. Know your enemy. Know what you’re up against so you can avoid falling prey to the most wanted simple living assassins.
Jones – We don’t know his first name but we know to look for him anytime someone’s taken down. He’s always the first suspect. He moves quickly though so we’re always trying to keep up with him and his family. They always have the nicest new stuff. Of the simple living assassins, he may be one of the easiest to spot — pulling his brand new boat behind his brand new super crew pickup truck.
Wide Eyed T-Vee – Wide Eyed has a scary way of drawing you in. It’s almost hypnotizing. Before you know it you’re sucked into his drama and laughter and several hours have blown by. You’ll sit amazed at his artistry but he’ll subtly attack you with shot after shot of flashy, noisy advertising. After several hours of his hypnotizing, it becomes harder and harder to draw the line between fiction and reality and want and need.
Steve Jorbs – Jorbs is the technology king. He loves gadgets and loves to pull you in with them. He can fire his weapons at you faster than the speed of light and once he gets his shot in and you start to recover, he fires with a newer, faster, prettier version of the last round. Be aware — that his weapon of choice is often an overpriced apple.
Beatty Cowboys | Photo by US Army Rolling Along
Homeland Security – This gang of hooligans disguise themselves in many forms. They claim to offer security, but in reality they’re rebel rousers. Sometimes they take on the role of the local government, insurance agents or nightly newscasters and sometimes they disguise themselves as an over anxious neighbor. They tend to travel in packs with one member of the gang using a loud bullhorn to sound the alarm, and the rest of the gang selling you your next security blanket. Don’t be alarmed — you’ve already given away most everything anyone else would want anyways — haven’t you?
Precious Pleasures – Precious is the real beauty on our list. She’s got the curves of a hot temptress and she’s all about the instant satisfaction. Don’t give in. Sure that moment with Pleasures sounds wonderful, but know that she carries a horrible virus that she passes along to everyone she comes in contact with — the deadly debt virus.
Roll N. Stone – He’s Precious Pleasures’ pimp. He usually stands outside the door ready to pounce on anyone not willing to take Precious up on her offers. He’ll assure you that you can’t get no satisfaction unless you’re focused on those Precious Pleasures. He’ll also try to convince you that living simply is nothing more than a pipe dream and he’ll do his best to convince you that instant Pleasures is where it’s at.
E. Go – Mr. Go is a sly character. He doesn’t hit you directly but he’ll convince to stay down when you’re already wounded. He’ll subtly whisper in your ear, “You’re better than everyone else. You deserve that car. You deserve those Pleasures. You deserve that bigger house.” He’ll get the best of you when you least expect it.
M.Y. Doubt – M.Y. is a distant cousin of Mr. Go. If E. Go can’t take you out, M.Y. Doubt always will. He’ll encourage you to pack up your bags and give up on the journey because it’s not worth the trouble. M.Y. Doubt is also a master of disguise, sometimes taking the role of a family member, a close friend, a co-worker or any others in your sphere of influence. Give him no attention and he’ll just as easily fade away.
If you spot any of these assassins, report them to the local authorities and then leave as quickly as you can. There’s no harm in running from these would-be assassins, your simple journey will thank you in the end.
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