Some days you feel like a fraud
I'm a fraud
Last night we did something I had hoped to postpone for another six months or so — or even a year.
We traded in my 2001 Silverado for a new “family vehicle.”
We were thinking before the twins arrived that my extended cab truck would give us plenty of room — at least until the boys were a bit bigger and their car seats would be turned around and facing forward.
We sadly realized last week — our time was much more limited.
After loading the family into my truck, My Life and I each had to push our seats so far forward that we were essentially sitting with our knees in our chests. While I can deal with the discomfort, the idea of safety comes into play when you realize you have a little more trouble driving with your legs crammed in under you.
So with that in mind — we began our search for a new family vehicle.
We arrived at a local dealership yesterday afternoon with one used vehicle in mind — and left owning a brand new 2010 Ford Explorer.
I felt like a fraud.
I felt like I had been duped.
Anything I’d ever said about owning an SUV, or cutting back on consumption had simply gone out the window in a few short hours.
I even had thoughts cross my mind as to whether or not I should continue this site.
How can I write about living simply when I’m driving a brand new SUV?
I look at folks like Leo Babauta, Tammy Stroble and Everett Bogue and think, “they have it so much easier living their car free lives — I’m inspired by their approach to minimalism.”
It’s hard not to be inspired by folks who are completely sold out to an idea and cause.
And on the flip side, it’s hard not to get down on yourself and feel like a fraud when you don’t live up to the high ideals you’ve set before yourself.
But then I remember the words of Joshua Becker (another suburban dad, with two kids) who writes about his simple life (or “rational minimalism”) as…
…if we were going to become minimalist, it would have to be a style of minimalism specific to us. It would require us to ask questions, to give-and-take, to identify what we most value and be humble enough to change course when necessary.
And for me, right now my family is what I value most. Their safety and comfort are key.
- Could we have lived with my truck and only used it to get me back and forth from work? – Sure. But all our family trips would have been left to My Life’s vehicle and added additional wear and tear on it.
- Could we been just as happy with the used vehicle as the new? – Sure. But when my trade in was considered and we looked at the final figures it just made more sense in the long run to us to go with the new vehicle that had additional seating and should last us several years longer.
- Could we have opted for something fancier and with more features? – You bet! They had us sitting in a decked out Explorer at one point that (at the time) would have only cost us $2 more a month than the one we purchased. But both vehicles were still priced higher than we wanted to pay.
- Could we have opted for something with better gas mileage? – Sure. But we were confronted with saving $300 or so a year (max) and paying $5-$10,000 more for something smaller or getting something with the size we really needed — and gas mileage that was still better than my truck.
Personally, I don’t doubt for a second that Joshua Becker is any less “sold out” than anyone else for following his rational minimalist route. And I don’t believe for a second that I’m any less “sold out” because I now own an SUV.
We all have to find what works for us, our families and our priorities.
Miss Minimalist writes, that minimalism is NOT selling everything and living a life of poverty. Minimalism is simply figuring out what matters most to you and getting rid of the rest.
And that’s the route I choose.
This site isn’t going to be about selling all your stuff so you can live in an empty apartment with a futon and 100 things or less — although I totally applaud those who do and continue to find ways to work their practices into my own life (and I can point you to some other amazing websites that will inspire you to do just that if you’re interested.)
But this site IS going to be about walking the journey towards a simpler life — finding the things that matter most and getting rid of the rest — finding ways to give back to those around us — and encouraging one another along the way…
And it will continue to be facilitated by me — a guy who lives in “suburbia” with his wife, two twin boys and an SUV — and is trying his best to get over his certainty.
UPDATE: We went to the dealership Friday evening to pick up the vehicle we had “ordered” and it was missing the third row seats we were told it would have. We told them that was a deal breaker. So they upgraded us to the very vehicle we turned down due to the cost the night before — for the exact same cost as the one we originally purchased. Crazy!
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Reading about a family who is living authentically is much more inspiring than reading about those who are in such different stages of their lives. I dream of the day I can be free from stuff, but while raising and homeschooling my daughters, I have to be content with getting rid of the non-essential. I also want to be able to pursue (both personally and with my family), the gifts and interests God has given us. I am a violinist and my husband is a drummer. We value music and have the entire third bedroom of our house dedicated to it. It’s a lot of “stuff”, but it’s necessary for our interests. We are also avid adventures and enjoy many different outdoor activities – each of which requires gear (hiking, rock climbing, sailing, kayaking). This is important to our family and so we allow room in our lives for it.
Joshua Becker’s website was my first introduction to the concept of minimalism and because it’s rational, not extreme, I have explored the concept more and more.
Thanks for your honesty and authenticity!
Jill,
Thanks so much for the comment and the input!
“Getting rid of the non-essential” and “(passionately) pursing the gifts and interests God has given us” is a great summation!
I really appreciate you posting this and processing through what you experienced buying the new vehicle. I think it’s much more authentic and genuine to be real about the times when you feel like your life is not lining up with what you purport to believe…I mean, doesn’t that happen to all of us? It’s the very rare person who is absolutely consistent all the time with their behavior and their choices. This isn’t a license to go crazy and do things that are unethical, illegal, or immoral, but it’s just a fact of life, that sometimes we make choices that are very intentional that either don’t line up with an ideal we had set forth earlier, or that don’t line up with what we think other people think about us. I really applaud your authenticity and honesty and it helps all the rest of us to know that we are all just cobbling together our philosophies and taking one step at a time toward the simplified, intentional lives we would like to live!
Thanks Sarah for the encouragement!
I was thinking tonight that another thing this experience has reminded me… is don’t judge a book by it’s cover.
I’m sure some people are now going to look at me driving this vehicle and get a certain stereotype in their mind about me — as I’ve likely done to others in the past. It’s good to remember that there is always a story behind every decision and we should take the time to listen to those stories before we cast any judgment.
Thanks again for reading and sharing your input!
I don’t think you’re a fraud or inconsistent. Your primary goal is to nurture your boys and that includes keeping them safe on the roads. You had to make a choice. My daughter is facing the same situation: she needs to safer car to drive on icy roads. If you drive your new car until it dies, you will have used your resource to the fullest.
Merry Christmas!
Thanks for the encouragement Willow!
Here’s to hoping my boys are driving this vehicle in 16+ years!
I am so glad I came to this site today. A long time ago a lady I casually know had a guest post on this site. I saw the link on her facebook page and I joined and added you to my list of blogs I follow. I have always thought that “we” gather too much! Too much of everything! I often feel bogged down by “stuff” and the maintenance of a lifestyle. However there is only so simple I can go. First there are some luxuries that I really enjoy having and second my husband puts a lot of value on a lifestyle that is not at all achievable in a minimalistic manner. I love him and over the years we continue to strike a workable balance between accumulating and purging. This unchangeable reality of my life meant that I looked at your site thought it was awesome and have not been back since. Today I popped in and because of this post I feel that I can relate so much more too you and your family and have realized that I really judged a book by its cover. I apologize to you for that harsh judgement and I thank you for your honesty.
Jamie,
I’m glad you returned and found a connection point. It’s tough finding that line of living a simple life for each of us.
I think it’s all about finding what works for you, me and everyone else.
In all reality it still comes back to “live simply so others may simply live.”
What can I give up, sacrifice, do without in order to help those around me?
Am I holding on to tightly to things and less tightly to people? Than perhaps my priorities need to be re-examined.
Not that your husband is “unwilling” but perhaps you could shed some additional input on http://www.welivesimply.info/living/dealing-with-an-unwilling-spouse/ as well.
Thanks for sticking around and coming back.
Look forward to following your blog as well.
Ok I have to ask this being an aspiring parent in the next few years…as in we aren’t pregnant yet…but we are talking about it and one of the issues that has come up is the car dilemma. For the past year, I have been sold on the fact that we will need an SUV when we start the babymaking. Hubby thinks that a car as small as his Scion xA would suffice for up to two kids, which is our max. He says that in the old days people didn’t have big SUVs and everyone just didn’t have as much stuff. Another friend said the same thing…”What do you need for a baby? A baby bag…that’s it. A stroller if you are going somewhere all day.” So I guess my question to you is…what do you really need to bring that requires an SUV? I’m not trying to be snippy…on the contrary…I really want to know! I don’t want very many surprises when the baby is born especially after I’ve already bought a new vehicle that would cost money to trade in again. So seriously…what do I need to prepare for? Why did you feel you need an SUV? Thanks!
Ashley – great thoughts and questions.
I don’t think all parents need an SUV by any means. I know plenty of parents that don’t have one.
Our dilemma was slightly different though. I’m 6’5″ so I don’t fit comfortably in every vehicle and with many of the newer vehicles I tend to have more blind spots than most.
I’ve driven a truck of some sort for the past 8 years and they tend to suit me well. The extended cab truck I had last even worked great for the two foster kids we had early last year as the were old enough to sit in a forward facing car seat. They were a bit snug – and I was a bit snug when they were in the truck with me but it worked fine.
However, once we had our twin boys we were no longer able to fit two rear facing car seats in the rear seat of my truck without me being right on top of the steering wheel – which was neither comfortable nor safe in our mind.
My wife had a 2004 Nissan Murano (crossover) and it had far more room in the back seat than my extended cab truck.
So we considered a crossover as well as a super cab truck for me when we went to trade my truck in.
In the end, the Explorer seemed to be the best fit. We still plan on having at least one more child and the option for a third row was what really attracted us to the Explorer. It gave us the option for future expansion of our family.
When the next child comes, we can put one car seat in the middle seat, one boy next to it and the second boy in the back if needed. Or if somehow we’re blessed with twins again there will be enough room for two car seats in the middle and two boys in the back.
However, the Murano is still a great fit for us right now as well and there’s still even more room in the back seat of it as opposed to the 2nd or 3rd row of my Explorer.
Also, when it comes to hitting the road with our boys – we trys to keep things as absolutely minimal as possible (perhaps that’s a good blog post idea). We carry one diaper bag and if we’ll be out and about for long we carry a stroller (which is a bit larger than most since it fits two) but it fits fine in both vehicles.
Before you settle on a vehicle with kids in mind – I would at least borrow an infant car seat from a friend or buy a used one from a 2nd hand store and be sure you can fit the car seat easily in the vehicle you’re wanting to purchase. Also be sure you can sit in the backseat with the car seat as well – never know when you might be called to the backseat to deal with a crying baby while your husband takes the wheel.
Thanks again for the question and discussion.